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A Guide to Changing Self-Destructive Behaviors

I have a reader who wants to make positive changes in her life, but can’t seem to stop certain behaviors.

She writes:

“I am consistently challenged with being mindful when buying food. What do you do when you are doing things that
self-destructive and are not good and continue to do them. Is there an opportunity to change this?”

This is such an excellent question, because I think we can all relate to this, can’t we? Who among us doesn’t do self-destructive behaviors from time to time, if not on a regular basis? I know that I’ve lived most of my life doing things I wish I didn’t do, and only in the last 8-9 years have I (slowly) been able to change those behaviors.

So can you change self-destructive behaviors? Can you stop yourself from doing things you can’t seem to stop?

I can unequivocally say yes, these behaviors can be changed. I’m living proof of that.

I quit smoking, changed my eating habits completely from junk food to pretty darn healthy, went from sedentary to active, got out of debt, got rid of clutter, just to name a few of the changes I made. These all went from destructive to positive behaviors.

And trust me, I’m no superman. I might seem disciplined and a model of self-mastery to an outsider, but from within I have always felt undisciplined, a procrastinator, with a distinct lack of self-control. I never thought I could make changes, but I did.

What worked? Here’s the lowdown: a quick guide to changing these behaviors when you’re having trouble.

  1. Feel the pain. We don’t tend to make changes unless we are motivated to do so. Sometimes seeing other people make changes gives us inspiration. But sometimes we just need to be in a painful place that we’d rather get out of. And so, if you’re in that painful place, allow yourself to feel the pain, and ask yourself whether it’s time for a change. Eating out of control? Well, what kind of pain is this causing you? What do you want to do about it? Get out of that painful place.
  2. Turn toward the problem. One of the biggest problems with making life changes is that we tend to avoid thinking about the problem. It gets worse and worse, and yet we distract ourselves, because looking at the problem can be scary and painful. But this only makes the problem worse. If you want to get out of the cycle, you have to let yourself think about it. Look at the problem. Acknowledge it. Accept that it’s the way it is, with the understanding that it can change, if you acknowledge it.
  3. Pick one small, distinct change. Once you’re ready to start making changes, just pick one. If you want to change your eating, you can’t change it all at once. It’s not realistic. So pick one change, and be specific: eat one fruit at lunch each day. Drink unsweetened green tea instead of that Big Gulp of soda you have in the afternoon. Drink unsweetened coffee with a splash of creamer instead of a Starbucks grande latte with extra whipped cream. Work on not going back for seconds until you’ve had a 10-minute break after your first helping. And so on. One change at a time, slowly.
  4. Commit big time. While you want your change to be small, you want your commitment to be huge. This is what keeps you going when you don’t feel like sticking to it. How can you commit big time? Announce to a hundred people, or a thousand, that you’re going to do this, and ask them to hold you accountable. Join an accountability group. Publicly commit to a big embarrassing consequence if you fail. Do it publicly for someone else, or a charity group, so you have people you don’t want to let down. Make a pledge to someone you love. Put a big sum of money on it with your friends. Be all in.
  5. Learn to believe that you can. In the beginning, you will probably have doubts that you can stick to this change. That’s OK — start on it anyway. Stick to it for one small step (drink a glass of water, eat one fruit), and see that you can do it. Then stick to it for another small step. Each time you do it, use this as evidence that you are capable.
  6. Use failure to learn. While doing the habit is evidence that you can do it, failure should not be evidence that you can’t. Use it as an opportunity to learn: learn about how you work best, about how habits work, about negative self-talk (see next item) and urges. Learn about obstacles, which are inevitable, and how to get around them. Each time you mess up, this is an amazing opportunity to get better, to improve your method. Failure isn’t a bad thing — it’s new information to improve your habit method.
  7. Don’t believe the negative self-talk. There will be thoughts in your head about not being able to do it, or wanting to quit. Don’t listen to them. See them, acknowledge them, but don’t follow their commands or believe what they say. They just come up because your brain is trying to get out of hard work. Lazy brain, lying brain. Instead, come up with better counterarguments: “Brain: You can’t do this.” “You: Actually, I can and have. Other people have done this, and so can I. And I will only really know if I try.”
  8. Find support. Ask your partner or good friend, or family or the Internet, to support you. Ask them to check on you and not let you fail. If you don’t have anyone supportive around you, find a group online.
  9. Create the right positive & negative feedback. When you eat junk food, it has positive feedback (it’s yum), and there’s negative feedback for not eating the junk food (cravings and hunger and wishing you could eat it). This is the wrong feedback cycle for the change you want to make. Instead, create a new feedback cycle that supports your change. More on this below.

Creating the Right Environment

When you put all the steps above together, it’s about having the right environment. Think of it as a greased slope — right now, the slope is greased toward your self-destructive behavior, so even if you fight against it, you’re likely to keep doing the behavior.

You can consciously change the slope. Create your own greased slope, so that it’s structured toward the direction you want to go in.

For example, if you’re trying to change the way you eat, get rid of all the junk food in your house, so it’s hard to get the unhealthy stuff. Tell people in your house not to let you go to the store or fast food places to get junk. Instead, have healthy stuff around for when you’re hungry. Have accountability and consequences, so that you don’t want to embarrass yourself by messing up (negative feedback) and you want to look good by doing well (positive feedback). Don’t meet people at places with unhealthy food — that’s like going to the bar when you’re an alcoholic. Give yourself rewards, like a massage, if you stick to it for a week or two.

These are just examples, of course … you’ll want to set up your own environment for whatever works for you. This is something you can adjust over time, which is why failure is such a good learning tool: you can see where your environment needs to be changed. If you stay on your computer instead of exercising, unplug the computer and give the cord to a friend to hold until you exercise. And so on, adjusting each time you fail until your environment is set up so you will definitely succeed.

If you leave this guide with any message, it’s that change is possible. Even if you think you can’t do it, you’re wrong. You can. You just need to take one action, start one motion, change your environment, and grease the slope.

Zen Habits

Leo Babuata
Chapters
Neither Averting Nor Craving in Each Moment How Taking Care of My Finances Changed My Life Tips for Traveling with Kids My Grand Travel Experiment The Parent I Aspire to Be The Best & Less-than-Best Motivations for Learning The Miracle of Suspending Mis-Belief 7 Strategies for Dealing with Toxic People Finding Motivation on Important But Non-Urgent Tasks Learning Tips for the Top 8 Learning Challenges The 30-Day Learning Challenge The Place Where You Are Feeling Determined to Change Practicing Non-Judgment Hold Your Own Feet to the Fire Don’t Waste Your Opportunity How to Beat Procrastination with Daily Training The Time When We’ll Be Present & Content A Simple, Powerful Self-Compassion Method When Others Frustrate You Your Internet Habits Create Your Reality The Case for Replacing Exercise with Play Leave Yourself Wanting More Fail Faster at Habits The Anti-Bucket List Getting Started with the Discipline Habit The Case for Caring About Your Work Questions of Priority The Futility of Always Pushing Myself to Be More Pare Down with the Declutter Habit You’re Not Doing Life Wrong Getting Lost in Just Doing An Addict’s Guide to Overcoming the Distraction Habit The Source of Contentment Savor Discipline: Merge the Interests of Your Future & Present Selves What You Can Say Instead of “I Don’t Feel Like It” The Things That Get in the Way of Doing The Girl Who Saw Through the Illusions A Gradual Approach to Healthy Eating Unconditional Acceptance of Yourself My Typical Day: How I Get People to Think I’m Productive The Contentment Habit The Delightfully Short Guide to Reading More Books In Praise of Limits The Art of Being My Dad 5 Ideas to Create an Amazing 2015 Essential Zen Habits of 2014 Karate Chop Practicing Slowness & Being Present Overwhelmed by All the Changes You Want to Make My 2014 Successes and Failures Finding the Motivation to Change Your Entire Life When You’re Lonely The Brain’s Fast Mode 5 Questions to Simplify Your Life During the Holidays The Zen Habits Holiday Gift Guide The Four Hidden Habit Skills The Power of Delay Overwhelmed & Rushed? Do a Stress Assess Writer as Coder: The Iterative Way to Write a Book Please Support the Zen Habits Book Are You a Lift or Drag Force? When Resistance Smacks You in the Face When Your Plate is Too Full The Quickstart Guide to Quitting a Bad Habit The Zen Habits Book is Almost Done A Quick Guide to Gaining Confidence When You Socialize The Empty Container The Realization A Guide to Changing Self-Destructive Behaviors Pushing Past the Terrifying Dip in Motivation It’s Not Too Late to Change Bad Habits The Smart Way to Stick to Habits My Most Effective Learning Tools What I Do When I Fail How to Put Your Writing in Public The Productive Sprint The Biggest Reasons You Haven’t Changed Your Habits Seized by the Thunderhold of Fear What to Eat for Fat Loss The Heartbreaking Cruelty of Comparing Yourself to Others A Brief Guide to Overcoming Instant Gratification How to Get Motivated After a Vacation 7 Strategies for Facing Your Internet/TV Addiction How to Breathe 7 Discipline-Mastering Practices 7 Rules That Keep My Life Simple An Education in the Majestic Sierra Nevada The Lies Your Mind Tells You to Prevent Life Changes How to Believe in Yourself Don’t Waste a Moment How to Find Your Life Purpose: An Unconventional Approach How to Be Great Making Yourself Work Inhabit the Moment How to Master the Art of Living The Delusional Fantasies We Live With Each Day Living the Simple Life How to Be Prepared for Anything Turn Toward the Problem The End of the Day Philosophy The Painful Beauty of Impermanence How to Change Other People Pursuing Happiness When It’s Already Within You The Quickstart Guide to a Decluttered Home Parental Zen: How to Keep Your Cool as a Parent Looking for Love How to Stop Your Habit Changes From Getting Derailed Why We Have Regret The Essence of Fatherhood: 6 Simple Lessons A Call for Revolt: Advertising is the Anti-Minimalism The Frustratingly Slow Pace of Making Changes My Struggles with Eating Boring Food The No Procrastination Challenge Creating a Lovely Morning A Father’s Manifesto: Raising Young Men Who Respect Women Turn Inspiration Into Action Coming Back From a Setback The Gift A Guide for Young People: What to Do With Your Life No Excuses: Minimalism with Kids How to Make a Marriage Work Love Notes Flavorless: My Month of Food Boringness The Letting Go Ebook, Free The Miracle of the Self-Compassion Habit How I Tackle a Big Writing Project The Habit Action List The Reality of This Moment Confidence in Your Business 10 Ways to Do What You Don’t Want to Do On Making It Through Tough Journeys The Hard Stuff Often Matters Most What to Think About During Exercise You’ll Be OK The Most Important Two Minutes of Your Life A Call for Compassion for the Defenseless The Cure for Your Distraction Syndrome You’re Not Worse Than Other People Being Mindful of Your Stress What if You Didn’t Have to Worry About Yourself? The Universe of a Single Task Simplifying Is Painful Becoming Emotionally Self-Reliant How I Cleaned House & Simplified My Work Life The Busy Person’s Guide to Reducing Stress My Month Without a Smartphone What I’ve Learned as a Writer What the Exercise Habit Did For Me Fear is the Root of Your Problems This Moment 36 Lessons I’ve Learned About Habits The 3 Do-What-You-Love Conundrums How I Conduct My Business Constant Task Switching The Habits of Five Amazing Founders The Incredible Importance of Sleep for Habits & Motivation What Really Motivates Us to Stick to a Project? I Tried to Quit & It’s Too Hard! Unwired: A Month With Limited Internet, & Now No Cell Phone Procrastination is a Mindfulness Problem Letting Go of Judging People Don’t Scratch the Itch Become Happy in the Face of Physical Misery How Repetition Can Kickstart a Habit Zen Productivity When You’re Feeling Self-Doubt & a Lack of Motivation The Child That Holds Us Back Stateless Mindset My Month of (Almost) No Internet 12 Changes for 2014 Essential Zen Habits of 2013 The Fear of Being Alone The Calm Approach Things Every Man Should Own Family Gatherings: The Ultimate Mindfulness Training Ground Letter to an 18-year-old on the Career Path Less Traveled A Method to Find Balance 16 Surprising Lessons from My First 50-Mile Ultramarathon The Simple Fitness Habit Holiday Challenge Struggles with My Morning Internet Fast Surrender, Mindfulness & Entrepreneurship How I Learned to Stop Procrastinating, & Love Letting Go Finding Focus When You Run Out of Ideas The Necessary Art of Subtraction Jealousy & Suffering How Creativity Works, & How to Do It Self-Discipline in 5 Sentences Make It Your Job Developing Selfless Compassion Lyrical Learning, & Why We Learn Habits Wrong A Month Without Sugar Why I Read (+ a Dozen Book Recommendations) 12 Indispensable Mindful Living Tools Burn Down the Farm My Most Minimal Travel Setup Yet The Exquisite Habits of the Founder of Blue Bottle Coffee 3 Little Tricks to Deal With People Who Offend You My Healthiest Travel Routine Yet Startup Founder Megan Casey’s Habits of Priorities My Pursuit of the Art of Living A Month Without TV or Video The Way of No Debt Letting Go: How to Live With the Loss of a Loved One The Way to Be Ramit Sethi’s Entrepreneurial Habits The Time to Shut Down The Pain & Beauty of Life Changes 8 Creativity Lessons from a Pixar Animator Zen Mountain: Leave It All Behind Overcoming the Social Costs of Being Different Finding Quiet and Mindfulness Through Food My Failed Month of ‘No Sitting’ The Thinking Habit That Changed My Life Liking Healthy Foods is a Choice Unschoolery: My New Blog on Unschooling My Advice for Starting a Business Creating Your Habit Environment Travel Lessons with My Family Easier Decision-Making: Conduct Experiments Simplify: Let Go of Your Crutches The Fear of Being Found a Fraud The Flexible Mind Declutter Your Life A Month Without Coffee The Healthful Vegan Diet Living the Quiet Life The Art of Tasting Chocolate Mindfully Why Fear of Discomfort Might Be Ruining Your Life The Habits of Happiness How to Keep Habits Going During Travel A Year of Living Without The Key Habits of Organization I Failed Vegan Guide to San Francisco The Futility of Comparing Yourself to Others A Secret to Dad Greatness Habits: A Simple Change in Mindset Changes Everything The Worry That You’re Doing the Wrong Thing Right Now 6 Steps To Being More Creative How I Finally Faced My Weight & Debt Problems Working with the Obstacles in Your Path 9 Rules for a Simpler Day The Little Book of Contentment The Obstacle is the Path 5 Lessons in Contentment from Billionaires Warren Buffett & Charlie Munger Smile in Each Moment A Guide to Practical Compassion 6 Steps To Healing Yourself The 7-Day Vegan Challenge Why You Should Write Daily Achieving Without Goals Flowing with the Stresses of Kids (or anyone else) Habit Mastery: Creating the New Normal Defeat Distraction: Refocusing with Purpose Expanding the Envelope: A Method for Beating Anger A Guide to Practical Contentment The Practice of Work Mind & Vacation Mind, Simultaneously How to Eat Real Food Without Spending Hours in the Kitchen Quitting Your Habits The 38 Best Methods of Successful Exercisers How To Make It Impossible To Fail The Not Knowing Path of Being an Entrepreneur How to Change Your Life: A User’s Guide Getting Your Family On Board with Life Changes How to Stick to a Habit When Life Falls Apart Zen Mind in the Middle of Chaos & Stress Create a Sacred Space in Your Heart Meditation: The Most Fundamental Habit Creating the Genuine Connections We Long For Tremors of Psychitude: One Little Trick to Find Purpose and Motivation Create the Habits of Being Lean, in 7 Years Walled-in: Life Without Facebook The 7 Habits of Calmness The Four Habits that Form Habits Advice to My Kids My 10 Essential Email Habits The Daily Checklist Sticking to a Habit: The Definitive Guide The Meditation Diet: How I Lost 60+ lbs. by Savoring The Power of Habit Investments Discomfort Zone: How to Master the Universe The Most Successful Techniques for Rising Early Do Less: A Short Guide How to Savor Life What We Lack in a Hyperconnected World Simplify the Internet 12 Rules to Live By The New Rules of Fitness for 2013 52 Changes for 2013 The Unprocrastination Month, and the Relaunch of the Sea Change Program Essential Zen Habits of 2012 The Other Person is Never the Problem The Do Plan, or Why We Know But Don’t Do 28 Brilliant Tips for Living Life The Clutter-free Holiday Guide The Little Trick to Make Any Moment Better Tim Ferriss vs. Leo Babauta Showdown: On Whether Goals Suck The Work You Love is Waiting For You The 7-Step Method to Find Focus for Writing The Buy-Nothing Holiday Survival Guide Challenge: Buy Nothing Until 2013 How to Learn Anything Shaken By Life’s Beauty, Shaken Untrack: Letting Go of the Stress of Measuring 15 Great Excuses Not to Form the Fitness Habit How to Make Health Insurance a Bad Bet Why the Fitness Habit is More Important Than the Plan The Willingness to Think Differently Create a Superhealth Community A Vegan Tour of NYC